Or Just a Moron with a Big Stick
by mak4
Summary: This is what happens when you try to write at five o'clock in the morning.
1. Insanity

Only we would make a spoof of our own story. The main point of which is to have a story with the title "Or a Moron with a Big Stick." It was written at three o'clock in the morning. The answer is in the question. It's also SLIGHTLY hard to read, as Kat was literally falling asleep as she was writing. Sorry Kat! Enjoy!  
  
Kudos to Kat who somehow managed to make Jack sound like Jack, even when he's the exact opposite of himself. And she was falling asleep at the same time, to top it all off.  
  
And in case you haven't read our other story, Jade is Jack Sparrow's fifteen-year-old daughter.  
  
Disclaimer: Hey, I guess we DO kind of own the characters. Well, Jack (Turner) and Jade anyway. And all the slightly OOC personalities.  
  
Summary: The characters are messed up. SEVERELY messed up. Jack Sparrow is terrified of everything he normally thrives on, Anamaria whines, Jade is just short of being a nympho... and the list goes on.  
  
Please, just don't run away screaming yet. Give it a chance, you know you want to.  
  
*  
  
The day dawned bright and clear, the sunlight tinting the ocean gold. In the hull of the Black Pearl, a door creaked open, a kohl-rimmed eye peering out fearfully. The soft slap of water against the wooden sides of the ship should have been reassuring for the man who heard it day in and day out, but for Captain Jack Sparrow, even the sound of water sent frightened shivers up and down his spine.  
  
As the Captain in question braved an exit from his quarters, he found himself met with a shapely shadow.  
  
"Hello, father." A face appeared amid the dim light, as the form of Jade Sparrow slid along the wall. The loose shirts and pants of her childhood had been replaced by tight corsets, designed for one thing and one thing only- a very UPLIFTING purpose.  
  
"Hello Jade," Jack greeted, nervously glancing to and fro in the corridor. "Sleep well?"  
  
"Not at all," she murmured, reaching out and playing with one of his beads. "My bed was very cold." She purred the words, puffing out her chest with a sharp little gasp.  
  
Her father grinned. "Well, I can solve that."  
  
"You can?" Jade exclaimed happily, reaching to loosen her corset strings.  
  
"Yes," Jack answered, turning back into his cabin for a moment. "You can use my second blanket, I found the night sweltering."  
  
"Oh." With a disappointed sigh, both Jade's hopes and chest fell.  
  
"All solved then, eh love? Be a good girl, and run along now." With one final smile, Jack sent Jade off, leaving him alone in the dingy hall, trying to find courage to face the day.  
  
"Sparrow!" A summons reached Jack's ears, amazing considering the pitch. "Why aren't you giving orders like a good captain? I'm a better captain; I should be in charge of the Pearl. You're even afraid of water, you ninny. What kind of a captain is afraid of water? And-"  
  
Anamaria's protests were cut short by Jack's shaking hand. "Why did you say the 'w' word? It's bad enough I must be surrounded by the... wetness every day, must I hear of it too?"  
  
Struggling to answer through Jack's hand, the pair almost missed Gibbs' approach. He was, however, slightly hard to miss. Clad in a hula skirt of bright green grass and purple feathers, Gibbs' entrance was proceeded by the slap of his bare feet on the wood, and the jangle of his many bracelets and bells.  
  
"Cap'n!"  
  
"Yes Gibbs?"  
  
The scantily dressed formidable figure sighed sadly. "How many times must I tell you, my name is NOT Gibbs. It is Gibbisimwum, god of the Tiki people and miniature umbrellas."  
  
"Aye, Gibbisimwum, what of it?"  
  
"There's a matter that needs attending to, sir, on the deck."  
  
The captain cringed, shrinking back toward the still open door of his cabin. "Up there?" He frantically searched for an excuse. 'Up there' was water, and complicated masts and riggings that could collapse at any time, and worst of all- pirates.  
  
"I don't think that's really necessary. An all-powerful god like you should be able to handle it all. No need for me, eh?"  
  
"Aye, sir. I'll just attend to it myself, savvy?"  
  
The world froze around Jack Sparrow as the 'word' fell from the lips of the man -sorry- god before him. He was sure he stopped breathing and in his desire to escape the certain doom that was impending upon its utterance, the Captain unwittingly raced to the deck of his ship.  
  
The shock of hearing the word coupled with the sudden expanse of blue all around him almost gave Jack a heart attack. He stumbled but did not fall, his daughter racing toward him at the first sign of distress.  
  
"Are you alright? Do you need CPR? Can I help you with anything? Do you need a sponge bath? Can I cover you with chocolate and lick it off?"  
  
Shaking his head sharply, smiling at his daughter. "I'm sorry, dear heart, I've had a bit of a shock. I'm beginning to hear odd things. You might want to get some fresh air for a little while."  
  
"Daddy, we're on the deck. I'm surrounded by fresh air. Besides, a daughter's place is with her father."  
  
"I'm outside?! How did I get here? What's going on?"  
  
"We're near Port Royal, Daddy. We're going to see Will and Elizabeth."  
  
"On land?" Jack questioned hopefully.  
  
"On land," Jade verified.  
  
"Excellent."  
  
Pulling himself upright, Jack swaggered to the helm. Anamaria joined him a moment later, two bottles of rum in her grasp.  
  
"'Ello, cap'n. Rum?"  
  
Desperately searching for somewhere safe to look- without water or pirates or, well, anything. Shuddering at Anamaria's offer, he averted his eyes once again, grudgingly looking out to sea.  
  
"No."  
  
"Why don't you drink rum? You call yourself a man, but you won't even drink! You're a captain who's scared of water, for the love of all things good for me in the world. I think you should give me the ship, don't you? It's a really good idea." She stared pleadingly at the man before her, her doleful face ruined by the infrequent drinks of her preferred liquor.  
  
"What's that?" Jack questioned, pointing to a black shape floating amid the wide blue expanse.  
  
"It's the ocean, Jack," Anamaria intoned, gazing blearily in the direction Jack pointed. "Good Mother Ocean! It's a person!"  
  
"In the water? Get them out for God's sake! No one deserves that!"  
  
His crew ran around frantically, trying to find a way to pull the unfortunate soul from the water. They were aided and abetted by their captain, who was rushing about madly, never getting within five feet of the twelve-foot drop to the ocean.  
  
The sodden bundle of black cloth and human was raised at last to the deck, dumped unceremoniously and left alone to rise.  
  
Staying a fair distance back from the water-covered person, Jack jerked in surprise as said person raised their very familiar face and greeted him.  
  
"Hello Jack." 


	2. The Insanity Continues

Yes, so, we've updated. Yay. I love this story... it's so completely screwed up.  
  
*  
  
"Elizabeth?! What on earth happened?"  
  
The pale face staring back at him, made paler by the black make up, showed no interest or pleasure in seeing her old friend again.  
  
"I went for a swim."  
  
"But, but... why?! The water... and... the water. And why are you wearing black? Dear lord, are you in mourning? Did something happen to Will?"  
  
"My husband is fine. Everyone's fine. I just like black."  
  
An eyebrow rose perplexedly. Jack nodded. "Well, alright then. We'll be in Port Royal shortly."  
  
*  
  
Walking through the door with Elizabeth on one arm and Jade on the other, Jack was struck at once by the amount of swords decorating the walls.  
  
"Elizabeth?" he questioned, "Has Will hit his head lately?"  
  
"He likes his work," she answered, walking though to the kitchen. "He should be home for lunch soon. Come meet Jack."  
  
"Umm... Elizabeth luv? I AM Jack."  
  
She ignored him, opening the bay doors that led out to the garden. "JACK!" she screamed.  
  
Wincing at the pitch, Jack flinched as Elizabeth strode past him into the living room. Sensing the movement, Jade snuggled against her father, tucking herself under his arm.  
  
"Are you alright Daddy?" she questioned throatily, frowning as he pulled away.  
  
"Fine luv," he croaked, glancing around nervously.  
  
A moment later, a young man burst through the doors Elizabeth had thrown open.  
  
"Good day," he greeted the pair cordially.  
  
"Who are you?" Jack asked suspiciously. "Not a pirate, are you?"  
  
"No." Jack looked immensely relieved. "I'm Jack Turner." He extended a hand. Jack blinked, then shook it vigorously.  
  
"You'd be young Will's son then. Young Will has a son?"  
  
"It would seem that way."  
  
"Well. I am Captain Jack Sparrow. And this is my daughter, Jade."  
  
Jade was eyeing the boy hungrily. He had nothing on her father, but the dark eyes, slightly crooked nose, and black curly hair were appealing enough in their own way. She smiled slowly, puffing out her chest instinctively.  
  
"Hello, Jack." She spoke the name as if it were a chocolate, savoring it on her tongue. "It's a pleasure to meet you." She promptly tripped forward, trusting him to catch her. "Oh! How clumsy of me."  
  
Jack smiled at her innocently, helping her to stand up. "So, what brings you here?"  
  
"We found your mother swimming," the captain shuddered at the thought. "We thought we'd best return her."  
  
"Oh, not again," the boy muttered, stomping into the living room. "Mother, you promised."  
  
"Promised what, dear heart?" Elizabeth questioned in a monotone, looking up from the candle she was staring at.  
  
"That you wouldn't try to drown yourself again."  
  
"Death is all around us," Elizabeth said simply. She rose to her feet. "William will be home soon. I should cut some flowers for the table." She left the room, her black dress trailing behind her.  
  
"Well she's a right little ray of sunshine," Jade muttered.  
  
Jack Sparrow turned to Jack Turner. "How long has she been like that?"  
  
The boy shrugged. "A few years. She's always on about black and night, and gore and death. Right annoying it is. She makes Grandfather seem normal." They heard a door open in the kitchen. "Father!" Jack yelled, storming down the hall with Jack and Jade in tow. "Mother's been at it again." He stopped in the doorway. "Oh yes, and we have company."  
  
Will looked up as Jade moved to stand beside the younger Jack. He looked confused for a moment and then caught sight of the captain peering nervously from behind his son. His eyes widened.  
  
"Jack?" he whispered breathlessly.  
  
A grin broke out over the captain's face. "Well, hello dear Wi-"  
  
He was cut off as Will leapt over the table, nearly knocked over the uncaring Elizabeth, and hugged Jack tightly. "It's so good to see you again!" the younger man gushed.  
  
"Will... I can't... breathe," Jack gasped.  
  
"Oh right, of course." Will stepped back, cheeks reddened slightly. Jade's brown eyes flashed jealously as she glared at him. Jack Turner looked at his father curiously.  
  
Looking oddly at his friend, Jack Sparrow licked his lips nervously. Will inhaled sharply, eyes widening again. Then he kissed the captain hard, slamming him against the wall. Everyone, except for Elizabeth, stared at them in shock for a moment. Then Jade began to scream.  
  
"Get off him!" she yelled, pulling Will away. "You bastard! You're trying to take my father from me!" She attempted to claw out Will's eyes, stopped only by Jack Turner, who grabbed her from behind and pinned her arms.  
  
"I can't help it," Will protested. "It's hardly MY fault he's so bloody beautiful." He had turned to the captain and most likely would have tried to start snogging him again if not for the fact that Jack was huddled against the wall, looking about wildly with his arms crossed protectively over his chest.  
  
"Oh, now you've gone and done it," Jade hissed. She broke free, and rushed to her father's side. "Daddy, it's alright," she spoke soothingly. "Come on, that's it. Sit down. I'll make it better." She helped her father sink to the ground, glaring at Will as she did so.  
  
"What did I do?" he demanded.  
  
"Nobody's allowed to have sex with him," she answered unhelpfully. "Not unless it's me." Jack Turner started at her last comment, wondering if he'd heard her correctly. Will, however, ignored it.  
  
"Well I wasn't truing to have SEX with him!" he yelled.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow clapped his hands over his ears. He drew his knees up to his chest and began shaking his head frantically. "No, no, no-no-no," he moaned. "Not the 's' word. Please stop saying the 's' word. Not the 's' word."  
  
"Which 's' word, Daddy? Sex or savvy?"  
  
For a moment Jack Sparrow was rendered speechless, staring up at his daughter, horrified. Then his mind decided that being faced with not one but two of his phobias was simply too much, and he promptly fainted.  
  
"Oh, NOW look what you've done!" Jade yelled, jumping deftly to her feet, surprising, considering the corset she was wearing.  
  
"What I'VE done?" Will yelled back. "I haven't done a blasted thing, other than kissing the most delectable man on the face of the planet! Is that so wrong?"  
  
"It is when you cause him enough trauma to make him faint!"  
  
"You need your corset loosened girl! YOU'RE the on who made him pass out!  
  
"Me?" Jade repeated with a bitter laugh.  
  
"Yes, you. He only lost consciousness after you asked whether he meant sex or savvy."  
  
"How dare you?" How dare you suggest I would ever cause harm to my beautiful father?"  
  
"If you weren't a girl, I'd punch you out and take him myself."  
  
"Why don't you just try?"  
  
"He'd be far happier with me anyway. I could get him into bed."  
  
"Why you..." Jade lunged at Will, doing her best to cause him as much pain as physically possible, and he fought right back. Jack Turner tried to separate them, ducking random flying objects.  
  
IN midst of all the chaos, Elizabeth sat disinterestedly at the table, chopping up flowers with a butcher knife.  
  
"I'm hungry," she announced to no one in particular. "Are there any squirrels about?" 


End file.
